Yesterday was a bad day for me. It was not them, it was just me. I was dead tired yesterday I didn’t know why (I should have broken my fast then, I am a breastfeeding mom anyway) – and the consequence of my exhaustion was no other than me getting easily irritated.
And the triggers were just typical things I face on a daily basis. My son Isa talking non-stop, asking thousands of whys and such. And my little Khadijah being a four-month-old wanted to be cuddled and carried for what feels like 24/7.
But my tiredness got the best of me, and I started yelling.
Only after my husband reached home – two minutes after iftar time began, that I managed to calm down.
By 9 pm, I was guilt-stricken. I was convinced that I am bad mom.
Good moms don’t yell. Great moms don’t do things I did.
I was at the edge of crying while sipping my cup of coffee feeling like a total failure, pretending to watch whatever that was on TV when Isa came and sat next to me.
I looked at him. I was filled with remorse. This wasn’t the first time, and as much as I started each day telling myself not to get mad for stupid reasons, it happened again and again.
“Hari ni mommy marah Abang Long banyak kali.” (Today I was angry at you many times), I said regretfully.
He looked back at me for one second and said ‘yes’, nonchalantly.
I told him I was sorry. I told him I was dead tired and that made me yell at him earlier today.
“Abang Long maafkan mommy tak?” (Do you forgive me?). I asked.
And children, like they always amazingly are – no hesitation, even for a second – forgive.
“Ya, Abang Long maafkan mommy.” (Yes, I forgive you.)
I smiled. And he walked away like nothing has happened – it seems it didn’t make any difference to him whether I asked for forgiveness or not.
He has already forgiven it. Perhaps I am still a wonderful mother to him, one he longs to curl up next to when night time comes.
Sometimes I wonder, would that split seconds of anger and screaming and whatnot leave a print on their hearts – whether those moments have scarred them for life.
I love them, but I am myself still learning.
What a difficult fact to chew.