So here I am. It’s Tuesday – the first working day of this week, and right now I am supposed to go pick up my son from the creche. But I am not.
I am on my bed, at home, alone. I am sick.
We had a long weekend of four days with two public holidays sandwiching the weekend. We took the opportunity to make a journey to the East Coast attending my husband’s cousin’s wedding. We booked a hotel room – seafront – thinking that we would have an awesome time at the beach post wedding.
Unfortunately, we didn’t get to do all that. I suffered from diarrhea that made me stayed up all night long, and the next day I had to live with stomach ‘trauma’. No food allowed – only ORS and charcoal tablets prescribed by our doctor cousin. I had to forgo the great all-you-can-eat buffet breakfast served by the hotel cafe and all the fancy food of East Coast that I truly love.
My husband was fine, but he had to take charge of Isa alone, so it was not much fun for him too. Added with the twelve hour journey home (thanks to massive traffic) instead of the usual 5 hours, it could not be worse.
When I reached home, I already was feverish. And this morning my head felt like it weighed a tonne.
And while I lie on my bed, I try not to think about the work I left in the office.
That’s the lesson on uncertainty for me.
I plan. But God indeed is the best Planner of all.
I have not been writing since last week. I was extremely occupied, and to be honest I almost lost my breath trying to do all those things. But apart from my husband and son who keep making me smiles, there are small things in between that give me relief, albeit small.
A few months back I was invited to an assessment by the company’s HR – who told me that I was one of the selected, qualified talents in the company. I was like, okay, it was not a big deal, it’s good if they think so, but I don’t expect anything from that recognition as ‘talent’, nor I expect anything will come up out of it.
It was the typical test about personality and whatnot, and as self-aware as I am, it took me less than 15 minutes to complete them all. So what if I don’t suit the organisation? I don’t care. I don’t want to be the CEO anyway.
But last week they came back saying that I passed that stage and going to the next one – development centre. I was told that it consists of interview, role play, group work – all those that I may hate. And they asked me to fill in a form – my profile.
Well, first, that news that I passed the previous stage somehow made my day. If I ever end my career, I know I’ve done the best, and sort of end it on a high note.
And second, while attempting to fill in the profiling thing, I was struck by the question ask: Are you willing to relocate? Should the question asked three years ago, I would at first instance say yes. But I have to tick ‘no’ to all options: Both home country and international locations. While I am willingly doing that, it gets me into thinking – how much I have changed over the years. My priorities. My career aspirations. My fear. My limits. The go-getter side of me almost broke down into tears thinking about how much I have missed in life looking at the form, but the more prominent part of me sees this as minor.
It is never a typical mother-sacrificing-career situation for me. When I dig further into the pscyhe of all these, I recognise that I thrive at my workplace due to the reason that working full time is pretty much an option for me. It is optional. I am not bound by anything – should I hate my job, I can literally quit now. And I am grateful to my husband who makes that option viable through his proper planning. alhamdulillah.
What that means to me is I am free to set my rules. I am not going to work long hours more frequently than necessary. I am not going to stand by something that is totally unacceptable that it hurts my conscience just because I am afraid I am going to lose my job. I am not going to keep my mouth shut on certain things for the same reason. I am free to be myself, in short.
And I have to admit (and have admitted this to the husband often) that I think and feel that I am much smarter ever since I got married. I will have to elaborate the ‘how’ and ‘what’ in another post, but in short, I am able think more deeply about issues and matters than before almost naturally. Well, I guess that happens if you get an ever skeptical husband who questions everything that you do and every (preconceive) thought and notions you have.
Overall, yes, myself years ago would have mourned over inequality in the opportunity for me to grow career-wise nowadays as a wife and mom, but I guess right now I am contented where I am. All praise and thanks I return to Allah the Ever Merciful and Loving.
On a final note, being nearly bed-ridden today, I missed my son badly. The fact that I could not lift my head to take a look at him one last time before he headed to his creche made my heart sore.
I am going to wait for him at the door. Both of them.